Thursday, September 1, 2011

How do you go on?

When someone dies you know what is expected for the family. The million and one details, then comes the funeral (you dress in all black) the wake (you bring food, serve the guests, clean up aftewards) and then you slowly and painful go on with life. Time marches on and heals the ache in your heart. Not always but you don't walk around sobbing for the rest of your life. 

This is different. This I don't know how to deal. How do you look at your smiley daughter crawling on the floor, feeding herself cheerios and banging toys together, and NOT cry? Cry because you know what's coming. Cry because you want so desprately to stop time. Every milestone, every achievement every therapy session is bittersweet. Joy mixed with tears. I have a pain in my heart that is sharp it takes my breath away sometimes. I know I should cherish every moment with her, not think to the future, pray because God can work amazing things. I know this in my head. But my heart won't stop breaking. My love for God has not changed, my faith in Him has not waiverd, but honestly I am so broken down I have to look up to see the floor.

9 comments:

Caroline said...

You know I dont have any answers as to why this is happening but know that I share your pain,am praying for you all and if theres ever anything you need to ask Im only at the end of an email/twitter post :-)
God bless

Jessica said...

thank you so much Caroline.

Norma Hill - aka penandpapermama said...

Oh Jessica... I've been hitting the "keep unread" button in my reader, for this post, because I wanted to reply - but what to say?

All I can think of is to tell you that I'm praying, I'm feeling your pain with you, and like Caroline says, email me anytime.

And thank you for your courage in trusting us enough to express your pain. It allows the rest of us to love you, to walk with you, to be Jesus for you in some small way.

Loving you!

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